No one talks about having a sexless marriage. The closest I get is hearing other men joking about their wives not being interested in sex any more, but we were never really interested in sex, even when we met 25 years ago.
I met Alison at a party and was smitten straight away. She was just a delight to be with and I loved her company and very quickly loved her. We spent as much time together as we could and although we hugged and kissed and held hands neither of us mentioned going further. When I proposed I did the whole thing of asking her dad, buying a ring and taking her out for a romantic dinner. We were quite relaxed and while we were away on honeymoon we had sex a few times I think because we felt we should and we were delighted when Alison got pregnant straightaway.
She was quite sick and then feeding, so our daughter was actually nearly two when we had sex again. None of our friends or family would believe that we have a sexless marriage. There was never any sweaty fumbling with him and it felt like we relaxed and got to know each other properly.
Apart from feeling we had to do it on honeymoon, after that it was just to have another baby. A few years ago, it bothered me because we seemed so different from how everyone else is portrayed. Then I thought about dressing up sexily to see if that made us more interested, but that seemed a bit creepy. I never talk about our sex life to my friends. Our family life is very happy and we have the same sense of humour, interests and ambitions — our home is a nice place for our kids to grow up.
I look forward to nights out or weekends away together as much as ever. All sorts of sexual proclivities are accepted now, but being celibate in a relationship is still taboo. Threesomes, sex with props and role play, open marriages, indeed, hating your partner, all are discussed more readily than what is perhaps the last taboo in a marriage: no sex at all. There are no reliable statistics for how many people are happily married, or in a relationship, and who no longer have sex.
However, in Japan, nearly half of married couples questioned in a recent survey — at least the ones surveyed — had not had sex in the previous month and did not expect that situation to change in the near future.
There is no proper name for it. Anecdotally, there may be many more married or cohabiting couples than statistics show who are happily, or resignedly, not having sex. Another factor to consider, and something of a buzzword, is asexuality. The Asexuality Network, asexuality. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. So there may be the couple whose sex lives have dwindled and who are both happy with the state of affairs, or there may be those who never had a sex drive — asexual — and who have found kindred spirits.
For some people, 10 times a year would be a lot of sex! But also, not everyone is married and what does sexless mean to a couple? No sexual contact? Or just lack of intercourse? Then you get into the debate on sex and intimacy. Sex and intimacy are not the same thing. You can have intimacy but no sex, or vice versa. Topics Family. Sex Sexuality Relationships Marriage Women features.
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